Are Relationships Supposed to Be Hard Work?

Sometimes we might find ourselves struggling in a relationship or friendship and wonder, “Are relationships supposed to be this hard?”

Short answer: It depends.

No two relationships look the same, so it’s difficult to paint broad generalizations. However, when we think about whether or not a relationship is supposed to be hard work, there are a few things to consider.

#1 – All relationships have conflict.

Often I hear from people the assumption that a good relationship does not have any conflicts. This is a myth. Whenever two individuals come together with their own combination of past experiences, upbringing, values, beliefs, etc, there is bound to be conflict from time to time.  Conflict can actually provide an opportunity for you and your partner to deepen your relationship and your understanding of one another, when navigated in a healthy way.

It’s not conflict in of itself that is “bad,” but more how we do conflict that can make or break a relationship. For example, when in conflict, do you criticize one another? Do you belittle or talk to the other with contempt? Or is there a tendency toward attack or defending oneself, as opposed to trying to understand the other person’s experience? These tendencies can all put strain on a relationship, and make conflicts more difficult to work through.

#2 – Relationships typically bring out our unprocessed “stuff” or emotional wounds.

This is completely normal and happens even to the best of us. All of us may have had some type of past experience in any of our relationships (i.e., family, past exes, friends, etc) that impacted us in some way, and can be brought up in any current relationship. This can certainly make relationships harder in moments when we feel our own personal struggles come out.

You might see this in your partner, and also in yourself. Whether it’s past trauma, anxieties, fears, or etc that get brought up, working through these things can be a difficult process. But if you’re doing your individual work toward healing and maintain open communication with each other, the process can be less bumpy. It does not necessarily mean that those moments will get easier, but establishing clarity and understanding can help strengthen the relationship, while holding love and grace for one another in your respective healing journey.

#3 – Relationships are a two-way street.

Do you find yourself working more than the other person in the relationship? It’s a common saying that relationships are 50/50, but I’m of the opinion that it’s 100/100—meaning both people are putting in a 100% on their respective ends.

There are times when we might be in a relationship where one person is not putting much effort, or maybe we are overcompensating by putting in more work to keep the relationship going even though the other person is not. You might tell yourself that that’s okay and relationships are supposed to be hard work, but it’s important to recognize that this relational dynamic can ultimately set us up for dissatisfaction and burnout.

It’s important to tune into your feelings in a relationship and honor your boundaries. If you find yourself feeling as if you are over-working or that the other person is not putting much effort, it’s good to re-evaluate your relationship and honor your needs. While of course hard work can be involved in any relationship, that does not mean that one has to maintain a relationship or friendship wherein one person is doing most of the “hard work” to keep things going.

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There are aspects about a relationship that can entail hard work—like learning how to manage conflict effectively or how to address your own emotional wounds in the context of a relationship—but relationships don’t always need to be “hard” in all circumstances. Sometimes a great deal of struggle might indicate something that isn’t working and needs to be addressed.

As every relationship and its issues are different, if you’re still unsure or in doubt, it can be helpful to get a third opinion. Talking with a therapist or counselor may help you process your feelings and experiences, giving you some needed insight and clarity into your relationship. But rest assured that it is typical to see hard work in a relationship, especially if you and your partner are both actively working toward building a strong and healthy one.