Do Perfect Relationships Exist?
It is not uncommon to see people strive to find the “perfect” person or to build the “perfect” relationship. But it does beg the question: Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship?
It depends on how we are defining “perfect,” as this term can be subjective. But for many, “perfect” can entail someone who is an exact match to our needs, interests, and/or expectations. Or it could be that a perfect relationship is someone who you are always happy with and attends to your every need. Or possibly a relationship where problems don’t really come up and conflict is rarely had.
If “perfect” is defined by those terms, my thought is: It is very rare for this type of perfect relationship to exist. In that vein, here are some points to consider as we reflect on the concept of “perfect” relationships.
A good relationship often has a great deal of overlap in matching needs of the two persons, but they may not always be in perfect alignment.
The fact is, people are incredibly unique, individualized, and complex. To find someone who is an exact match or replica of you is a rare feat. But regardless, it is not a requirement for you and your partner to be in perfect alignment with one another in order to have a good, healthy relationship. Most relationships will have some variables that are not in alignment—and a good relationship is not defined by how many of those variables match, but more about how you as partners navigate those differences together.
As humans, we are all fallible. We will make mistakes, including in our relationships.
In the course of a relationship, there will be moments when our partner drops the ball and inadvertently hurts us. There will be moments when they are not in tune to us or the situation, or may not fully respond to our every need. A good relationship is not defined by these moments never happening, but more on how we address these moments when they inevitably do come up. Of course there may be “big” moments that are deal-breakers to us in a relationship, but it is normal for “smaller” moments to happen when our partner misses the mark or doesn’t attune to our feelings or needs. This is where healthy communication in a relationship is vital, as you can strengthen your relationship by dialoguing and working through issues together.
Conflicts will occur in any relationship, even in a healthy one.
As I mentioned in previous posts, it is a myth that good or healthy relationships don’t have conflict. In the lifetime of a relationship, conflicts will come up; it is how we do conflict with our partner that is key. For example, maintaining respect of your partner, practicing active listening of each other’s point of view, and using I-statements (I feel, I need, etc) when expressing our feelings or experience are important practices during conflict. Typically it is when we are criticizing, blaming, or showing contempt toward our partner that we start seeing issues arise in a relationship.
Ultimately, it is not a requirement to have a “perfect” relationship in order to have a good or healthy one. On the contrary, I believe that striving for a “good enough” relationship is more realistic and even healthier for a relationship. Reflecting on our own expectations and identifying those that may not be feasible for someone are important, as well as recognizing our partner as human and therefore fallible.
In a “good enough” relationship, you may have differences and conflict, but you learn how to address those aspects together in a way that is respectful and productive, and aids in strengthening the relationship.
