How Do I Change My Partner?

This is a question I see come up a lot, particularly when there are long-standing issues in a relationship. The common thought process can be, “If they would just change in this one area, our relationship would be much better.” However, underneath this question lies assumptions and expectations we hold that we may be putting on our partner. It also can yield some valuable insights about ourselves.

If this is a thought that has been popping up for you regularly, here are a few things to consider and possible solutions to explore.

Lack of acceptance

When we are trying to find ways to change our partner, it means on the flip side that we are not accepting them as they are. Sometimes it is easy for us to think of ways things would be better if X or Y were different, but unfortunately, life or people won’t always align to our expectations.

When we are not accepting our partner and wanting to change them, we are communicating our lack of acceptance of them through our behavior. This doesn’t just only have the potential to hurt them, but it also can push them away. Love will also have difficulty flourishing, because we are not loving them for who they are when we are wanting them to be different.

Solution: Ask yourself, “How can I be accepting of my partner wherever they may be on their personal life journey? How can I hold understanding and compassion for my partner?”

Your partner is human, just like the rest of us. And part of being human means being imperfect, making mistakes, and having “flaws.” It may be part of our own growth journey to learn how to accept others for their imperfections.

You partner’s right of choice

When we are trying to get our partner to change, we can sometimes veer into territory where we are not fully respecting our partner’s right to choice. Just as you have every right to choose what it best for you and about your life, your partner does too. Most people don’t like to be pressured into changing, because underlying that pressure is a lack of respect of our right to choose.

Solution: It is important to prioritize respect for our partner, as respect is an essential ingredient to any healthy relationship. You have a right to verbalize how something may be impacting you (i.e., a habit you are wanting your partner to change) and why it is impacting you, but in the same hand, your partner has a right to choose what they do and how to respond.

This may be a difficult pill to swallow for some, but it is important to remember that a relationship is a two way street. Telling our partner what to do deprives them of their freedom and agency—just as it would deprive you of freedom and agency if they were telling you what to do.

Your right of choice

Along the same vein of the last point, you also have the right to choose how to respond or move forward in any given situation. If we are depending on our partner to be a specific way, we are effectively giving up our own right to agency—as our happiness or etc becomes dependent on another’s behavior.

Solution: If you’re in a situation where your partner has not been honoring your feelings and experiences, or their behavior is a deal-breaker, then you still have the choice regarding how you would like to move forward with that relationship. Ask yourself the question, “If I am to accept my partner exactly as they are at this moment, what would I want to do?”

For example, we can argue with the weather when it’s raining, wishing it were sunny, but in the long run, it doesn’t help us to deal with the situation. However, if you were to accept what was out of your control, then it opens you up to dealing with the situation more efficiently. The question then becomes, “Since it’s raining, how do I want to deal with the weather?” From there, your choices in the situation become clearer (i.e., choosing to stay inside, get an umbrella, reminding yourself that the sun will be out again soon, etc).

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If your partner has genuinely expressed their interest in changing, or you are helping them in their self-identified personal growth, then the question may be around how you can provide support to your partner. The previous points still apply even in this situation, and we can still provide support while respecting our partner’s growth process. This can include pointing out their strengths, providing constructive feedback, giving advice, or lending an ear to listen. It may help to ask your partner directly what type of support you can provide them that would be most helpful to them.

Change is an individual choice one makes, even in a relationship context. However, you always have the right to acknowledge how someone’s choices are affecting you, and consider your options in how to move forward.

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