Do You Have to Love Yourself First Before Loving Another?

There is a very common saying that you need to love yourself before you love someone else. Often this is emphasized to single people in order to encourage them to focus on themselves instead of focusing too much on finding a partner to gain happiness.

Before I dive into my thoughts on this, first I will preface by saying that the following is my individual perspective on the subject. As with most things in life, there is no “right or wrong” point of view and everyone’s viewpoint is valid in their own right.

That said, what’s my take on this?

I think there is validity in developing self-love in order to eventually build a healthy relationship when you do find your partner. However, it’s important to not take these sort of statements as blanket statements to apply across every situation and every individual experience.

For example, there are plenty examples of people who have difficulty loving themselves, but are able to be in relationships and express love to others in their life. There are also people who have been carrying long-term wounds from their childhood—and while they show up in their relationships, they are actively working on their healing process. In other words, someone’s capacity to love is not always defined by their ability to love themselves.

Nevertheless, I think the concept of “loving yourself before you love someone else” is widespread for a reason. In general, people tend to play out the relationship they have with themselves with others. Meaning, if someone has a tendency to be self-critical, they will often show similar critical behavior toward others. In that light, some people can struggle giving certain aspects of love to others, because they do not know how to give it in general (themselves or others)—patience, forgiveness, understanding, compassion.

People also often have a tendency to play out unresolved relational patterns from their upbringing in their relationships in adulthood. It is akin to making attempts to “re-write” the ending of a story that had caused you deep pain. For example, someone with a tendency to seek love from people who are emotionally unavailable and distant, may have had an emotionally unavailable parent they were never able to get love or validation from. So in an often unconscious way, they may be seeking to create a different ending, to finally get that love and validation they always needed, but never got to have.

In these cases, it makes sense to address some of these old wounds, as they will continue to play themselves out and show up in our relational dynamics with others until they are given much needed attention and healing. Maladaptive relationship dynamics can make it more difficult for us to have healthy relationships, even if we do find someone. And more often than not, our internal struggles will only get more amplified in an intimate relationship. That is why it can be a good thing to “focus on yourself” and your healing, especially if you are trying to break any unhealthy patterns/dynamics in your life.

Everyone’s experience, wounds, and impact of their pain are different, so it is always worth exploring further with a therapist to understand yourself better and see how you can move forward. Your ability to love yourself might not be the sole determinant in your ability to love others, however the two are certainly linked. If anything, understanding your relationship to yourself may give you unrealized insights into your relationships with others.

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