What Does Healthy Communication Look Like?
It’s very common to hear about the importance of communication in a relationship in many relationship books, articles, and from experts. However, most of us aren’t necessarily taught what healthy communication looks like growing up. We typically learn communication based on our experiences with society or our environment, as well as what is modeled for us by our family. But behaviors and communication patterns we may have learned to be normal may not always be healthy.
Although this is certainly a topic that can be elaborated on for several posts, I did want to provide a brief look into what healthy communication does look like in a healthy relationship.
Use of “I” Statements
This is a vital piece of healthy communication. “I statements” are essentially statements we use to convey our thoughts and feelings. As the name suggests, they start with an “I,” including “I feel…,” “I think…,” and “I need…” Even the best of us in communication can fall into using “you” statements, which tend to come off as attacking or blaming the other person. Examples of this would be, “You never do the dishes,” or “You’re so thoughtless sometimes.” The issue with “you” statements is that people generally tend to be less receptive when they feel as if they are being “attacked” or criticized.
However, when you are using I statements, you are speaking from your perspective and communicating your experience, as opposed to giving blame to something or someone. For example, you would say instead, “I feel frustrated when I end up doing the dishes every night,” or “I need you to check in with me and ask how I feel before you make plans for the both of us.”
Use of Active Listening on Both Sides
There is a tendency to think of listening as a passive activity, and that just because we are listening or taking in the person’s words, that we are “actively listening.” In actuality, active listening is listening with the intent of fully understanding the person’s position and perspective. Many times, we can fall into “listening to respond,” meaning that we will listen to someone with the intent to respond with our own thoughts, opinions, or arguments based on what they shared.
When you actively listen, you temporarily drop your position for the moment, and fully try to understand the person and why they may be feeling the way they are feeling. Taking the previous example, if your partner is frustrated with your difficulty remembering to do the dishes, you would drop your position aside for that moment and put yourself in your partner shoes. And when you respond, you acknowledge their experience, or ask questions that help them to further elaborate on their thoughts and feelings, with the aim of you trying to fully understand their position.
Of course this is a two-sided street. In a healthy relationship, you will see both parties engaging in some form of active listening. The goal isn’t to be “right,” but for the both of you to understand each other so you can work together to find a solution.
Mutual Respect
Mutual respect is key in healthy communication. Many of us will often communicate with the hope of changing someone’s position, feelings, or behavior. While sometimes we are trying to help someone understand our point of view, when we frequently go into conversations with the intent to change something in the other person, we can easily fall into situations or dynamics where we are not always respecting them.
You always have the right to convey your feelings and needs. However, the other person also has the right to feel as they feel, think what they think, or choose their behavior. Healthy communication on our end means we continue to maintain respect for the other person and their experience/choices. Even if that person may not respond with respect in kind, in those instances, you have a right to maintain boundaries for yourself and make choices about how you want to move forward with that relationship.
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In future posts, I may dive deeper into some of these points further to paint a clearer picture of how these aspects operate and how we can practice them in our relationships. But overall, these are critical points to keep in mind as we navigate any of our relationships and work on developing healthy communication skills.
