Common Questions on Boundary Setting

A lot of questions can come up when we are trying to set boundaries in our relationships. Here are some common questions I hear when we talk about setting boundaries, and my thoughts.

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Can I set boundaries even if it’s family?

Setting boundaries with family members can feel a bit more dicey, especially if you come from a culture that places high value on honoring your elders/parents/etc. Perhaps it might feel as if it is an act of disrespect or insensitivity toward family if we try to set a boundary.

However, the flip side to not setting boundaries is that we end up fostering increased anger and resentment, and in some cases, continuing to allow unhealthy dynamics that end up hurting everyone involved in the long run. I’ve often seen this happen, as well as the deleterious effects on an individual’s mental health or eventual manifestation of the anger/resentment in the relationship.

Choosing whether or not you would like to set boundaries is ultimately your choice given your particular situation. However, one thing I will say, is that setting boundaries can look many different ways. Also, how we set boundaries can play a significant role in how the other person responds. For example, honoring and acknowledging the person’s feelings about it and their side, but still indicating what it is you need. Or saying, “In order to be in a place where I can honor you / have a good relationship with you, I need X.”

A family relationship is still a relationship, and all relationships benefit from having boundaries that honor each individual’s feelings and needs.

Is there a way I can set boundaries where the other person won’t get mad or upset?

There are healthy ways of going about setting boundaries (see my article on that here). A key skill to master is the use of I-statements. Here we focus on communicating our individual feelings and experiences, rather than on the other person, what they are doing wrong, et cetra. Typically I-statements start with “I feel…” or “I think…” and are followed by a statement of need, “I need…”

When we focus our communication on our feelings and experience, it gives an opportunity for the person to receive what we have to say, in comparison to using you-statements, which usually causes people to be on the defense and therefore have less openness to what we share.

That being said, it is not necessarily our job to prevent or keep someone from feeling mad or upset. People have a right to their feelings, just as we have a right to ours, and it is possible to validate both of your emotional experiences. If someone is feeling mad or upset, you can acknowledge how someone is feeling and have empathy around it. But setting a boundary and honoring someone’s feelings are not mutually exclusive. It is possible for you to still maintain your needs and honor your feelings, while also recognizing someone’s own internal experience.

Is it possible to have too many boundaries?

I think “too many” is subjective and based on individual perception. It is always important to honor your needs and limitations, because you are important. There is no “too much-ness” to that.

However, it is possible to have rigid boundaries—meaning, we are completely closed off to intimacy or close relationships and emotionally distant from others. When we have rigid boundaries, our focus is primarily on self-protection, but at the expense of developing deeper relationships with others. This can lead to a variety of different struggles, including feelings of loneliness.

What if the person doesn’t listen or respect my boundary even after I set it?

This can be a difficult situation, particularly when it’s someone we are close with. But this is a situation that is guaranteed to come up throughout our lives, and having a clear understanding on the intent of boundaries can help us in navigating this when it does come up.

A misconception about boundaries is that we set them in order for the person to change their behavior/thinking/etc. Yet the true purpose of boundaries is to give voice to your needs, and to honor them and your limitations.

When someone does not respect our boundaries (given that we did the steps of setting boundaries in a healthy way), then we are at a decision point re: how we want to move forward. How someone responds to boundaries tells us a lot about that person, and we have a right to make decisions for ourselves about that relationship (i.e., how close you want to have this person in your life, if you want to continue the relationship, etc).

Another thing to look at is consistency. Does this person consistently disrespect or not honor your boundaries after you have clearly set one? This gives us information about the person and how a relationship with them will continue to look like moving forward.

From there, it is up to you to decide what is best for you and to explore options that will honor your needs.

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