A New Perspective on Dating
Stacks of dating books often send a similar, underlying message: how can you change yourself to make yourself attractive to another?
While there are ways when content from these types of books/articles can be helpful, such as learning how to love ourselves or how to manage our expectations, sometimes they can veer into the territory of communicating that there is an objective standard of attractiveness for all people, and we must act in X ways to achieve it.
As a result, it is not uncommon for people to go into dating wanting to change themselves in order to make themselves attractive to another person. However, in that scenario, it is no longer about you. It becomes all about the other person, what they like/don’t like, their needs, and etc. In that vein, you then essentially communicate to yourself and to the other person that you are not important and your needs are not a priority.
What typically happens at that point, is we end up attracting people who are a match to that message; meaning, people who are in implicit agreement with the message that we are not important and thus will not actively prioritize or honor our needs. Even if a person may be able to respond to our needs, when we are de-valuing our needs internally, we are setting ourselves up to feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled in the long run, because we are not getting those needs met.
In this light, it may be helpful to consider instead a different perspective on dating: how can I find someone who is a specific match to me?
It is important to go into dating with the mindset of knowing who you are and what you need, and finding someone who is a match to that. This entails knowing your strengths, your areas of growth, your life values, and your needs in a relationship. Finding your mutual match means that the person finds in you a match to what they need and are looking for. This is key to establishing a healthy relationship.
For example, you may come to see how much you value honest and open communication in a relationship. If this is an identified need, then as you date, this and your other needs are what you will be looking for in a partner. And if someone does not exhibit that value you are looking for, you know that they are not a match for you.
This is why it is imperative to know your values and needs, as these act as a filtering system as we date. Not everyone is going to be a match to us, and we won’t be a match to everyone we meet. Therefore, if you are seeking a long-term relationship, the goal should not be so much to change yourself to be “more attractive” to any and all prospective dates, but to find someone who is your match.
Making changes within yourself may be helpful, but it is also an individual choice to make and based on what you think is best for you. And that truly is the core to this—you are a unique individual with your own strengths and life values. When you see that within yourself, then you will filter in people who see that in you too (and filter out those who don’t).
Contrary to what many dating books advise, being yourself and honoring your needs/values can make dating more efficient and help you on your way to finding a good match.
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